Saturday, August 27, 2016

A Bad Habit of Mine

People don't joke around when they said that high school might make or break you.
For me — or at least mentally — it did the latter.

Three years of wearing the white-grey combo uniform everyday for five days in a week wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience I've ever experienced in my life, to be honest. In fact, it was one of the worst. Trying not to get too much into detail to keep it short and to avoid TMI, let's just say, my high school life sucked. Bad.

Real bad, actually.

Three whole years played a pretty big part of my life, considering I've only been living for nineteen years. I think it contributed majorly to my current fucked up mental health state, though I constantly try to let in more positivities in my life (and I can proudly say that my boyfriend helps me a lot).

Combine those hard times with my already low self-esteem and crippling mental health, you'd get a scary mind that screams all sorts of thoughts. And you have to deal with it in daily basis. Most of the times it comes oh-so-suddenly, you almost have no chance to prevent it from emerging.
Sounds like fun, eh?

Well, let me just break it to you.

I tend to dwell in my own self-deprecating thoughts. Frankly, it's exhausting. I have to cope with it all my life. My mind makes the problems around me bigger than they really are. It keeps planting these bad ideas inside of me, trying to convince them that it's right. When other party is involved, I always find myself comparing my self-worth with the others. And it always ends up with me crumbling apart because I constantly feel that I'm a no-good and I ain't shit compared to the others.

The most frequent thought that passes through my head?
She's so much prettier than me.
It's true.

I remember how my friends (usually girls) told me that they envy my confidence and how I could be comfortable with my own skin. They keep saying that I'm good at accentuating my admirable features (like my long and slender legs), making them the center of the attention.

They don't know that it took a long, long way.

Dealing with self-hate is a hard work. To make it disappear completely is also almost impossible (seeing how I still have some leftovers of it, even until now). It might even stick with me for life.

But I'll try harder to slowly reducing my negative thoughts, which is the base of all my self-image issues. Bit by bit. I got a boyfriend who continuously reminds me that I worth more than I've ever thought.

Ya girl gon ace this.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Sajak Tanpa Huruf 'i' - Nestapa

Apa kabar, kawanku?
Maaf mengganggu,
Hamba mau beberapa waktu.
Walau hamba tahu,
Betapa kalutnya kau
Kala sang surya jatuh.
Bukannya lancang,
Hamba hanya hendak bersua
Dengan sebuah prosa
Berbekalkan beberapa patah kata
Tentang duka dan lara terbesar
Sepanjang hayat hamba.
Dahulu kala,
Saat hamba baru saja tamat sekolah
Mendamba masa untuk belajar tanpa seragam.
Ayah dan Bunda tak mengajakku ke desa,
Karena upacara kelulusan sekolah hamba.
Sepekan lamanya,
Hamba bersabar menunggu kedatangan mereka.
Malam saat mereka seharusnya pulang,
Ayah dan Bunda tak segera datang
Walau sudah tengah malam.
Rasa-rasanya sebelumnya mereka tak pernah
Terlambat tanpa sebab.
Cemas, hamba menjulurkan lengan
Agar mampu menelepon orang tua
Yang sudah terlalu lama tak berkabar.
Kumandang nada sambung kudengarkan dengan seksama,
Mengharap akan sapaanmu yang khas,
"Ada apa, nak?"
Hamba menunggu lama,
Sangat lama.
Namun suaramu tak kunjung ada,
Hanya dengung-dengung monoton
Yang memekakkan pendengaran.
Rasa takut pun menjalar,
Karena Ayah dan Bunda
Tak segera datang.
Hamba pun terlelap,
Berharap terbangun oleh suara
Ayah dan Bunda mengetuk jendela.
Harap hanyalah harap.
Bahkan setelah sang surya menyapa,
Tak ada tanda-tanda akan sosok keduanya.
Pukul dua belas petang,
Terdengar ketukan jendela rumah.
Hamba senang bukan kepalang,
Karena menyangka bahwa Ayah dan Bunda lah
Yang membuat suara.
Ternyata bukan mereka.
Ternyata hanya Pak RT
Yang sudah tua renta.
Seraya memasang muka muram,
Datang untuk mengantarkan kabar
Bahwa Ayah dan Bunda
Bersama kendaraannya
Telah tak ada.
Dalam sekejap,
Semua senyap.
Hamba mau padam,
Layaknya lampu yang telah usang
Lalu lenyap dan terbuang.
Hamba mau tenggelam,
Larut dalam lautan dalam
Menyatu dengan deburan ombak
Yang perlahan tersapu bayu.
Hamba mau musnah.
Lempar saja hamba ke jurang.
Hamba hendak bertemu
Dengan Ayah dan Bunda
Pada ujung lembah yang sama.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Photo Hunt: Street Style Vibe

If you're an avid reader of this blog (or maybe not), you might have read my post about me hunting for photos at Taman Harmoni—or also well-known as Taman Sakura—in Keputih, Surabaya. Well, actually a day before that I came to visit my fellow college mates who were also hunting for photos there.

One of them was Ardina, who's now my real great partner related to everything photography. She's pretty good with camera, and having several gears (like Canon EOS 1100D with various lenses, Fujifilm X-A2 mirrorless camera, and Go Pro Hero 4) makes her incredibly enthusiastic when it comes to taking photos. And she's wonderful to work with!

She has taken photos of me before, mainly in front of the infamous blank white wall at my faculty. That time at Taman Harmoni, she asked me to model for her so she could have some photos with human as the object. And I went for it! Even though at that time, I was completely bare-faced and unprepared to be taken photos of.

Here are some of the shots.

Taken with Canon EOS 1100D with 50mm fixed lens.
  • Snapback: Unbranded
  • T-Shirt: H&M

Hoo mah gawd look at that hideous bare face! Not to mention that I was super sweaty also lmao. Oh well, this turned out much better than I have expected so. I'm happy! Thanks a lot to Ardina too!

Monday, May 30, 2016

OOTD: Coachella Inspired

I always wear skinny jeans, every day. Or leggings, depending on what kind of top I'd wear that day. But it's essentially the same: skin-tight bottoms are the daily go-to choice of mine. I rarely wear skirts, just because I think that it's too much of a hassle—almost every day, I commute with motorcycle (it's not me who's driving though, lmao)—despite my fondness of them.

So you guessed it, I never wear loose-fitting pants.
Well, almost. I can definitely count with my fingers, how many times I actually, deliberately did.

One of the reasons for wearing skin-tight bottoms all the time is that I like to flaunt my legs. I got a pretty nice pair of legs that I could be proud of. They're skinny, in a great shape (because I squat on daily basis), and hecka long-ass (seriously though, my lower body is longer than my upper body). Lots of my girl friends are envious of my legs, and I sure am proud of it. One of the greatest assets among all my body parts, definitely. By wearing skin-tight bottoms, my legs' shape is defined.

And well, the opposite—I've always thought that wearing loose-fitting pants would look bad on me, because they'd just emphasize my super skinny body and making me look even more like a stick figure. You know, like a hobo? I mean, you get my point, right?

Yeah well, last week I had this certain condition which obliged me to wear loose-fitting pants. And I do not have that many pairs of them, only two. One pair is normal, navy blue loose pants with polka dot pattern on them, they could definitely pass as pajama pants. And the other, is this high-waist harem pants with batik fabric I got from Bali.

You see, that day I gotta go to university to attend classes. And boy, wearing the former pair I mentioned wasn't even an option. Hell, they look really pajama-ish. I didn't think that it was the most appropriate attire you'd wear to a formal educational institution.

So I have no other option, I gotta wear the harem pants. Even though I loathe this type of pants wholeheartedly.

I was like, maybe I could pair this with something and make this work. Then I suddenly remember some references I saw back in my high school senior year on Instagram, and I got an idea. It was this time where I was crazy about Bohemian-inspired fashion. Something like Brandy Melville, Free People, and the fellow brands. Basically just Coachella-ish.

Well, I was basically channeling my very self circa 2014.

I immediately grabbed my white knitted long cardigan and sport bra, tried to bring my idea to life. By coincidence (I mean what are the odds?), I also found this pretty flower crown on top of my little sister's wardrobe. I put everything in place, and guess what? It worked—it looked not too bad.

  • Knitted Long Cardigan: Cotton On
  • Sport Bra: Details Clothing Co.
  • Batik High-waist Harem Pants: Unbranded

FYI, I've never been comfortable posing in front of camera. I used to be real awkward, because I wasn't confident of myself. And I used to be the behind-the-scene kind of person. But nowadays, I don't know, I got some improvements. I can now let loose in front of camera, I know my angles, I know my best expression, I kinda know how to pose now. I think this kinda stuff needs practice? Well, still a noob though.

Now let's talk about the nude, natural, no-makeup makeup.

  • Eyebrows: The Body Shop Brow & Liner Kit in #3 - Brown & Black
  • Primer: The Body Shop Instablur Primer
  • BB Cream: The Body Shop Tea Tree BB Cream in #3
  • Powder: Rimmel Stay Matte Powder in #07 - Mohair
  • Blush On: NYX Mosaic Powder Blush in Spice
  • Bronzer: Maybelline Dream Sun Bronzer in Golden Soleil Hale
  • Lip: Purbasari Matte in #81 - Diamond
See how my hair looking so BOMB up there? Jeez, if only it happens every day. If only good-hair-day is every day, life would be so much easier. Anyways, I'd be happy to recommend this hair vitamin from L'Oreal, called Extraordinary Oil. It is just the best product for my hair, it builds up nicely and just won't make my hair greasy. You should definitely try that!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016


Aku memeluknya, erat. Kurasakan hangat tubuhnya yang terakhir kalinya sebelum kehangatan itu tergantikan hanya oleh selembar selimut di tengah dinginnya malam. Kuhirup aroma tubuhnya yang terakhir kalinya sebelum kami terpisah oleh jarak puluhan ribu kilometer. Jemari yang kucengkeram dengan kuat perlahan melepaskan genggamannya. Seraya mengecup dahiku, ia pun berkata,

“Aku berangkat.”

* * *

Sebelumnya aku tidak pernah membenci hujan―aku menyukainya. Aku suka deru air hujan yang mengalah pada gravitasi dan menghantam daratan. Aku suka memperhatikan rintikan air hujan yang menerpa jendela, bagaimana tetesan-tetesan air itu bergabung dengan satu sama lain dan mengalir ke bawah. Aku suka megahnya kilat yang saling beradu dan bersahutan. Aku juga suka suara guntur yang bergemuruh, seakan-akan Dewa Zeus sedang mempertunjukkan simfoni yang begitu indahnya.

Namun tidak dengan kali ini.

Entah kenapa, kali ini suara petir yang kian lama kian keras membuat hatiku tak tenang. Gemuruh yang demikian kerasnya membuat kaca jendela yang kusandari bergetar. Pandanganku kosong, menatap ke luar jendela kamar tidurku yang remang-remang akibat cahaya matahari yang terhalang oleh gelapnya mendung. Aku mengalihkan pandanganku mengelilingi kamar, kuperhatikan dengan teliti dari hal-hal yang mudah terlihat hingga ke detail kecil. Dari nuansa warna putih berkat seluruh furnitur yang berwarna sama, easel yang digunakan untuk meletakkan kanvas di pojok kamar, hingga satu sisi tembok yang dipenuhi oleh foto-foto yang membangkitkan banyak kenangan. Aku pun berbaring di atas kasurku, menyisakan tempat yang cukup besar di sampingku. Biasanya aku akan cepat tertidur dalam keadaan seperti itu―sendirian, hanya ditemani oleh seonggok guling. Tetapi hari ini berbeda, karena hari ini adalah hari yang sudah sejak tiga tahun lalu kunantikan―hari di mana ia akhirnya akan pulang.

Ya, pulang.

Sudah tiga tahun lamanya kekasihku menempuh pendidikan untuk mendapatkan gelar Master di negara Inggris―negara yang telah lama ia idam-idamkan. Ia memang sedari dulu ingin belajar di Negeri Tiga Singa tersebut. Saat mendengar kabar bahwa ia mendapatkan beasiswa Erasmus Mundus untuk melanjutkan pendidikan tinggi di sana, rasa bahagia dan sedih bercampur aduk menjadi satu. Bahagia, karena akhirnya ia berhasil mewujudkan cita-citanya sedari sekolah menengah. Sedih, karena itu artinya kami tidak akan bisa berjumpa selama paling tidak dua tahun. Tetapi aku tidaklah bodoh, tidak mungkin aku mencegahnya untuk berangkat ke Inggris hanya untuk memenuhi tuntutan pribadiku. Aku menekan rasa sedihku sekeras mungkin agar tidak tampak, agar ia tidak merasakan sedikit kekhawatiran pun sebelum meninggalkanku pergi. Setelah tiga tahun yang dipenuhi penantian, kesepian, dan air mata yang tidak sedikit, aku mendengar kabar kelulusannya. Tentu saja aku kegirangan, karena itu artinya kami akan kembali bertemu. Tetapi, belum ada kepastian soal kepulangannya pada saat itu.

Minggu lalu, dengan sangat tiba-tiba ia menelepon untuk memberitakan soal kepulangannya kembali ke Indonesia. Saat aku bertanya soal jam kedatangannya, ia tidak bisa memberi kepastian karena pada penerbangan internasional jarak jauh terkadang terjadi kejadian-kejadian yang tak terduga yang bisa mempengaruhi jam kedatangan. Ia hanya berkata bahwa ia meninggalkan London pada tanggal 22 Desember, agar bisa sampai tepat waktu saat hari libur Natal tiba. Ia juga berkata bahwa ini adalah kali terakhir ia bisa menghubungiku sebelum ia benar-benar sampai, sebab ia akan sibuk dengan segala urusan soal imigrasi dan kepindahannya kembali ke Indonesia. Karena itulah, ia tidak memperbolehkanku menjemputnya di bandara. Tunggulah aku di rumah, katanya.

Deminya, aku mempersiapkan segalanya. Mulai dari membersihkan rumah, memasang kerai yang baru kubeli yang senada dengan kamar tidurku yang serba putih, membuatkan panekuk kesukaannya, hingga menyiapkan air hangat di bak mandi yang siap untuk digunakan guna melepas letih dari perjalanan jauh yang ditempuhnya.

Menit demi menit, jam demi jam. Waktu pun berlalu, tapi tidak kunjung muncul satu pun tanda kepulangan dirinya. Sedari pagi buta aku menanti kedatangannya, karena ia hanya memberitahukan hari keberangkatannya. Hingga pukul 10 malam langkah kaki yang kutunggu pun tak kunjung terdengar, padahal aku sudah mulai mengantuk. Tetapi biarlah rasa lelah ini meluluh-lantakkan tubuhku asal aku bisa menyambut kedatangannya, pikirku. Akan tetapi, rupanya diriku terlalu penat. Seiring waktu berjalan, kantuk mulai menjalar ke seluruh badanku. Mataku perlahan terpejam, kesadaranku semakin lama semakin hilang.

Hingga akhirnya terdengarlah suara pintu rumah terbuka, suara yang sudah terlalu lama kudambakan―suara yang kutunggu-tunggu bahkan sejak terakhir aku memandangi punggungnya dengan seksama, saat ia bergegas menghampiri taksi yang akan membawanya selangkah lebih dekat menuju impiannya. Seketika keletihan yang menghinggapi diriku pun hilang. Langkahku menderap, hatiku berdegup kencang, tak sabar ingin melihat wajahnya. Jiwa ini ingin segera melepas kerinduan yang mendalam, raga ini ingin segera merengkuh tubuhnya erat-erat. Mataku terpaku ketika melihat sosoknya yang basah kuyup karena hujan.

Dengan seketika kujulurkan tanganku dan kubenamkan wajahku di pundaknya, sebelum ia bahkan bisa menutup pintu rumah. Sebelum ia bahkan bisa menjejakkan langkah keduanya ke dalam rumah. Sebelum ia bahkan bisa melepas jas yang dikenakannya. Sebelum ia bahkan bisa berkata,

“Aku pulang.”

* * *

A drawing by him.