Monday, September 19, 2016

Just Let Me Graduate Already

When I was barely a freshman in university, I (sadly) had set a pretty high standard for myself regarding the academic aspect. I would graduate with my GPA above 3.50, earning that title every single college student in Indonesia (or basically everywhere else? idk I couldn't tell) has been dreaming of — cum laude (((no way in hell I'm going for summa cum laude though, which would require me to maintain my GPA to be above 3.80 lmao I ain't that insane))).

The freshman me (right), still brimming with positivity.

Hell, I even promised to both of my parents that I would score both that cum laude title AND graduating within only 7 semesters (normally it would take at least 8 semesters or more to graduate).

Take note, I promised them.

Now I started to feel really remorseful of my past self's big mouth and hella high optimism, because dAMN GIRL, REALLY? REALLY YOU GOTTA BURDEN YOURSELF WITH THOSE PROMISES? Not only you promised to graduate within only three and a half years, you gotta promise that you'd get the cum laude title as well? My God.

But because of those promises, I always end up remembering them whenever I sink in so low in regards to my study. I also feel like I promised to myself, so if I break this promise I'd be so disappointed of myself. And so here I am, continuously juggling between being not half-assing every single thing I do and being as time efficient as I could.

The struggle I feel is getting more and more real, especially in this fifth semester. Every class I take is a tough one, with their difficulties ranging from intermediate to advanced (no more of those "introduction to" type of thing).

Two of the classes I take are research-based classes. One of them requires me to arrange a research in a small and secluded village. Not to mention I'm taking this one particular class all Indonesian students probably despise: KKN. You can imagine how my brain is so ready to explode at any time soon during this semester.


All those things made me realize one thing:
I don't wanna stretch the time even more, I gotta finish this once and for all.
Now I can't get even more motivated to finish my study in time, preferably within 7 semesters. I also hope I could maintain my already above-three-point-five GPA so I could fulfill my promises in the whole package.

I just wanna GRADUATE and then GET A JOB and then GET MY OWN PLACE. Done deal it's my current short-term goal. I can't take another day being drowned in take-home assignments T_T

Anyways, sorry for ranting.
I hope y'all who read this would do good in whatever you're currently doing.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

A Bad Habit of Mine

People don't joke around when they said that high school might make or break you.
For me — or at least mentally — it did the latter.

Three years of wearing the white-grey combo uniform everyday for five days in a week wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience I've ever experienced in my life, to be honest. In fact, it was one of the worst. Trying not to get too much into detail to keep it short and to avoid TMI, let's just say, my high school life sucked. Bad.

Real bad, actually.

Three whole years played a pretty big part of my life, considering I've only been living for nineteen years. I think it contributed majorly to my current fucked up mental health state, though I constantly try to let in more positivities in my life (and I can proudly say that my boyfriend helps me a lot).

Combine those hard times with my already low self-esteem and crippling mental health, you'd get a scary mind that screams all sorts of thoughts. And you have to deal with it in daily basis. Most of the times it comes oh-so-suddenly, you almost have no chance to prevent it from emerging.
Sounds like fun, eh?

Well, let me just break it to you.

I tend to dwell in my own self-deprecating thoughts. Frankly, it's exhausting. I have to cope with it all my life. My mind makes the problems around me bigger than they really are. It keeps planting these bad ideas inside of me, trying to convince them that it's right. When other party is involved, I always find myself comparing my self-worth with the others. And it always ends up with me crumbling apart because I constantly feel that I'm a no-good and I ain't shit compared to the others.

The most frequent thought that passes through my head?
She's so much prettier than me.
It's true.

I remember how my friends (usually girls) told me that they envy my confidence and how I could be comfortable with my own skin. They keep saying that I'm good at accentuating my admirable features (like my long and slender legs), making them the center of the attention.

They don't know that it took a long, long way.

Dealing with self-hate is a hard work. To make it disappear completely is also almost impossible (seeing how I still have some leftovers of it, even until now). It might even stick with me for life.

But I'll try harder to slowly reducing my negative thoughts, which is the base of all my self-image issues. Bit by bit. I got a boyfriend who continuously reminds me that I worth more than I've ever thought.

Ya girl gon ace this.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Sajak Tanpa Huruf 'i' - Nestapa

Apa kabar, kawanku?
Maaf mengganggu,
Hamba mau beberapa waktu.
Walau hamba tahu,
Betapa kalutnya kau
Kala sang surya jatuh.
Bukannya lancang,
Hamba hanya hendak bersua
Dengan sebuah prosa
Berbekalkan beberapa patah kata
Tentang duka dan lara terbesar
Sepanjang hayat hamba.
Dahulu kala,
Saat hamba baru saja tamat sekolah
Mendamba masa untuk belajar tanpa seragam.
Ayah dan Bunda tak mengajakku ke desa,
Karena upacara kelulusan sekolah hamba.
Sepekan lamanya,
Hamba bersabar menunggu kedatangan mereka.
Malam saat mereka seharusnya pulang,
Ayah dan Bunda tak segera datang
Walau sudah tengah malam.
Rasa-rasanya sebelumnya mereka tak pernah
Terlambat tanpa sebab.
Cemas, hamba menjulurkan lengan
Agar mampu menelepon orang tua
Yang sudah terlalu lama tak berkabar.
Kumandang nada sambung kudengarkan dengan seksama,
Mengharap akan sapaanmu yang khas,
"Ada apa, nak?"
Hamba menunggu lama,
Sangat lama.
Namun suaramu tak kunjung ada,
Hanya dengung-dengung monoton
Yang memekakkan pendengaran.
Rasa takut pun menjalar,
Karena Ayah dan Bunda
Tak segera datang.
Hamba pun terlelap,
Berharap terbangun oleh suara
Ayah dan Bunda mengetuk jendela.
Harap hanyalah harap.
Bahkan setelah sang surya menyapa,
Tak ada tanda-tanda akan sosok keduanya.
Pukul dua belas petang,
Terdengar ketukan jendela rumah.
Hamba senang bukan kepalang,
Karena menyangka bahwa Ayah dan Bunda lah
Yang membuat suara.
Ternyata bukan mereka.
Ternyata hanya Pak RT
Yang sudah tua renta.
Seraya memasang muka muram,
Datang untuk mengantarkan kabar
Bahwa Ayah dan Bunda
Bersama kendaraannya
Telah tak ada.
Dalam sekejap,
Semua senyap.
Hamba mau padam,
Layaknya lampu yang telah usang
Lalu lenyap dan terbuang.
Hamba mau tenggelam,
Larut dalam lautan dalam
Menyatu dengan deburan ombak
Yang perlahan tersapu bayu.
Hamba mau musnah.
Lempar saja hamba ke jurang.
Hamba hendak bertemu
Dengan Ayah dan Bunda
Pada ujung lembah yang sama.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Photo Hunt: Street Style Vibe

If you're an avid reader of this blog (or maybe not), you might have read my post about me hunting for photos at Taman Harmoni—or also well-known as Taman Sakura—in Keputih, Surabaya. Well, actually a day before that I came to visit my fellow college mates who were also hunting for photos there.

One of them was Ardina, who's now my real great partner related to everything photography. She's pretty good with camera, and having several gears (like Canon EOS 1100D with various lenses, Fujifilm X-A2 mirrorless camera, and Go Pro Hero 4) makes her incredibly enthusiastic when it comes to taking photos. And she's wonderful to work with!

She has taken photos of me before, mainly in front of the infamous blank white wall at my faculty. That time at Taman Harmoni, she asked me to model for her so she could have some photos with human as the object. And I went for it! Even though at that time, I was completely bare-faced and unprepared to be taken photos of.

Here are some of the shots.

Taken with Canon EOS 1100D with 50mm fixed lens.
  • Snapback: Unbranded
  • T-Shirt: H&M

Hoo mah gawd look at that hideous bare face! Not to mention that I was super sweaty also lmao. Oh well, this turned out much better than I have expected so. I'm happy! Thanks a lot to Ardina too!

Monday, May 30, 2016

OOTD: Coachella Inspired

I always wear skinny jeans, every day. Or leggings, depending on what kind of top I'd wear that day. But it's essentially the same: skin-tight bottoms are the daily go-to choice of mine. I rarely wear skirts, just because I think that it's too much of a hassle—almost every day, I commute with motorcycle (it's not me who's driving though, lmao)—despite my fondness of them.

So you guessed it, I never wear loose-fitting pants.
Well, almost. I can definitely count with my fingers, how many times I actually, deliberately did.

One of the reasons for wearing skin-tight bottoms all the time is that I like to flaunt my legs. I got a pretty nice pair of legs that I could be proud of. They're skinny, in a great shape (because I squat on daily basis), and hecka long-ass (seriously though, my lower body is longer than my upper body). Lots of my girl friends are envious of my legs, and I sure am proud of it. One of the greatest assets among all my body parts, definitely. By wearing skin-tight bottoms, my legs' shape is defined.

And well, the opposite—I've always thought that wearing loose-fitting pants would look bad on me, because they'd just emphasize my super skinny body and making me look even more like a stick figure. You know, like a hobo? I mean, you get my point, right?

Yeah well, last week I had this certain condition which obliged me to wear loose-fitting pants. And I do not have that many pairs of them, only two. One pair is normal, navy blue loose pants with polka dot pattern on them, they could definitely pass as pajama pants. And the other, is this high-waist harem pants with batik fabric I got from Bali.

You see, that day I gotta go to university to attend classes. And boy, wearing the former pair I mentioned wasn't even an option. Hell, they look really pajama-ish. I didn't think that it was the most appropriate attire you'd wear to a formal educational institution.

So I have no other option, I gotta wear the harem pants. Even though I loathe this type of pants wholeheartedly.

I was like, maybe I could pair this with something and make this work. Then I suddenly remember some references I saw back in my high school senior year on Instagram, and I got an idea. It was this time where I was crazy about Bohemian-inspired fashion. Something like Brandy Melville, Free People, and the fellow brands. Basically just Coachella-ish.

Well, I was basically channeling my very self circa 2014.

I immediately grabbed my white knitted long cardigan and sport bra, tried to bring my idea to life. By coincidence (I mean what are the odds?), I also found this pretty flower crown on top of my little sister's wardrobe. I put everything in place, and guess what? It worked—it looked not too bad.

  • Knitted Long Cardigan: Cotton On
  • Sport Bra: Details Clothing Co.
  • Batik High-waist Harem Pants: Unbranded

FYI, I've never been comfortable posing in front of camera. I used to be real awkward, because I wasn't confident of myself. And I used to be the behind-the-scene kind of person. But nowadays, I don't know, I got some improvements. I can now let loose in front of camera, I know my angles, I know my best expression, I kinda know how to pose now. I think this kinda stuff needs practice? Well, still a noob though.

Now let's talk about the nude, natural, no-makeup makeup.

  • Eyebrows: The Body Shop Brow & Liner Kit in #3 - Brown & Black
  • Primer: The Body Shop Instablur Primer
  • BB Cream: The Body Shop Tea Tree BB Cream in #3
  • Powder: Rimmel Stay Matte Powder in #07 - Mohair
  • Blush On: NYX Mosaic Powder Blush in Spice
  • Bronzer: Maybelline Dream Sun Bronzer in Golden Soleil Hale
  • Lip: Purbasari Matte in #81 - Diamond
See how my hair looking so BOMB up there? Jeez, if only it happens every day. If only good-hair-day is every day, life would be so much easier. Anyways, I'd be happy to recommend this hair vitamin from L'Oreal, called Extraordinary Oil. It is just the best product for my hair, it builds up nicely and just won't make my hair greasy. You should definitely try that!