Karma is Real

You know those time when I was all about older guys? I mean, the whole time, really.

I have always had an infatuation towards guys who are older than me by three years or more — just because I perceived them to be more mature (duh) and more composed. And most importantly: they could guide me to go through life by their abundance of life experience (because honestly, I love to listen more than talk). Because of that, I have had been straight up rejecting guys my age (moreover guys who are younger than me) that approached me.

But it was until sometime around mid to end of last year (2015).


Meet discount Matt Healy.

There was this guy that I found out through the comment section of a LINE post. The post was just your average controversial writing about humanity and equality (you know how most some Indonesians react and debate when it comes to what they thought as the so-called 'westernization'). It was there, his comment attracted my eyes: it was coherent, logical, intelligent, and well-phrased. I thought to myself, "this person gotta be a pretty chill and smart person, I wanna be friends." (note that I still had no idea of what gender area this person fell into at that time, but imma just address him as "him" to make it easier, since we already know the gender of this person at the moment). And so I added him, I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We made it to each other's friend list. This happened sometime around mid of 2015.

And that was it.

No conversation, no nothing. It was just us seeing each other's posts on our timeline. That was what I intended to do in the first place: to see more quality posts on my timeline. I didn't have any intention to chat him, say hi, nor get to know each other. Months went on like that, until sometime around mid to end of 2015 (it was around September or the following months).

Then he said hi to me first.

It was just your typical get-to-know-each-other kind of conversation, starting off with how we should call each other (duh) (his name is Alf by the way), his gender — which at that time surprisingly (for me) turned out that he is a he, because 1. he didn't use his own photo for his display picture, 2. the way he talks was so sassy I thought that he was a she. I also found out that he lives in the same city as me. More surprisingly? We go to the same university, the same campus, and our faculties were just right across each other's. I also learned that he's my junior, therefore he's younger than me — he was 17 at that time, and I was 18 (this made me went all, "whoa, okay?"). And did I mention we live in the same area of the city: the eastern side? This made me realize of how tiny this world could be, or the internet.

So began our conversation. Regular conversations happen between people who had just gotten to know each other, that is. We exchanged messages regularly, not necessarily everyday — we even went as far as weeks without contacting each other — but we kept in touch.

But the weird thing is that, he was flirty — and I didn't mind it. This fact should be underlined: I didn't mind when he flirted with me. It is a well-known fact (if you haven't known already, there you go) that I loathe it when a guy blatantly shows his attraction towards me, moreover when he flirts with me.

But with Alf, I somehow just let it slip.

Our conversation started getting more intense as days passed by. We video called, sent each other voice notes and selfies, hell I even flirted back. But then because of my confusion at that time, I was totally indecisive. I walked forward, then backward. I chatted him intensely, then I suddenly stopped doing so for a really long time. He asked me to meet up in real life, I tried whatever it takes to not to — simply because I didn't have the mood to do so. I was confused because I have never felt this way before, moreover towards someone who is younger than me. I felt nothing but paradoxical confusions within me, I was pretty afraid because it was almost like I lost myself and I didn't know who I was at that time. Plus there was another reason (that I couldn't possibly state it here) that dragged me from taking further measure to address this confusions I had to Alf — even though at that time I had all the puzzle pieces right all along: he was (seemingly) attracted to me, and I (subconsciously thought so) was too.

Note that I have never had a boyfriend before, I have never been in a romantic relationship before.

See, there's this thing with having types. When the seemingly right person came by, we might try to stick with this idealism we got about the idea of the perfect partner. But then my best friend, Steffi, made me realize that he might not be what you want, but he might be what you need. My superior on my former workplace (and I consider him to be one of my best friends too), Mas Dhani, gave me an advice that when I had all the puzzle pieces with me, try to arrange it and finish it to see what the outcome would be.

And so I did what they told me.

I started the conversation again with Alf after almost a month of not talking to each other, and I maintained it intensely. I wanted to give this a try, even though he was so out of my type (which is supposed to be an older guy). Turned out that everything went on smoothly, although some gravels were in the way. But it worked. It still is until now, going strong.

I still remember when we first met in real life for the very first time, though. And the reason for that might not be your average: he wanted to borrow my philosophy books. After all those time I tried to get away, I agreed to finally meet him offline because of that reason. Hashtag intellectual love. When I saw him, he didn't look much different than he was in his photos he sent me through LINE. At that time, he was wearing a plain, misty grey T-Shirt. His hair was just his usual state of hair: adorably messy and curly. I was so nervous at that time, I didn't dare to look at him right in the eye when I gave him the books. Silly me, to think that I was wearing a deep, dark purple lip shade yet act like an intangible mess when he appeared right before me. And I also remember during our first date at a café near my house, it was a wonderful night full of personal talks. We even talked about our families on the first date (Steffi was utterly surprised at that fact).

Age don't mean shit, he's a real mature person with the qualities I have been looking for in a partner. He broke my previous paradigm about boys my age/younger being immature. The more I get to know him, the more I fall deep into him. We got the same good taste for almost everything. Like seriously, we barely got any disagreement. And when we do, it's because of something trivial that we could just dismiss immediately. Hell, we even came from the same family background: divorced parents. We literally became each other's support system. Also, he's been my constant inspiration to create — whether it's a poetry or this aesthetic tumblr quote with sketches and stuff.

So yeah, after months of long journey of trying to figure out myself and how I feel towards Alf, turned out that he's both what I want and what I need.

Okay this is getting cheesy as fuck, I should stop.

Animu monochromatic couple.

So yep, after 19 years of being romantically frustrated, I finally found my escapism now. A younger guy, that is.

P.S. Interestingly enough, countless people have said that we look a lot like each other. His close friends even said that I double his little sister who's currently living in Kudus city. Even Alf himself sometimes say so (even I sometimes think that way too). Well then. (still incredibly surprised at this fact though)

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